I am so sorry everyone. I know I'm often closed off and down right MIA but I've been going through a lot lately and I just want to come clean. To be fair to you all on here who at times remind me to get out of bed in the morning. I've dealt with a lot of ups and downs the past three years. Some shocking, some emotional and spiritual, and some just plain abhorrent events in my life are things I've faced. But the main one is isolation and loneliness.
I have a problem. I am not... the kind of person who is always able to feel, communicate, or even accept someone's love and care. Part of it is fear. I never did have friends and my family... Well, they act more like givers of a surname than family. I am sorry I rarely talk to you all. Part of that is how I am and how I always hide when I'm depressed. You may be thinking given how much I hide, "Does this mean you are always depressed?" Yes at times. I've been hiding it for years. I had to remove myself from life to take care of other situations like my education else I'd be overwhelmed.
And just to get a little more personal I cried myself to sleep last night. It's a downer isn't it? Feeling alone, hopeless, defeated, and confused. Being a young, confused person and homosexual wanting love who's never dated or had friends is tough. But recently either by epiphany or The Gods I let myself talk to a person I haven't been fair to. I am still accepting myself without success. I'm scared, I'm afraid, I'm not one who is even sure they can feel love or emotion. Just telling it like it is a lot more of how I act is a mask to hide his I feel. I joke to cover it and laugh to keep others from feeling so down.
I may be empathetic but I am sometimes apathetic. I cry about not fitting into boxes, about being unsure if I am man or woman, gay or asexual, aromatic or love sick. And yes I am Pagan and yes I am a witch, and yes I am NOT cisgender! But you know what? I'm tired. I don't want to be closed forever and feel lonely when alone or around others. My family may not accept me. Some of you may not but I going to live for me.
I'm going to be me. I'm going to be "they" not he or even she although girl I can be sassy and sweeter than candy. I make no apologies about being a sarcastic bitch. Honey it helps me cope if I can laugh.
This was to say sorry for keeping you in the dark. Not sorry for being raw or real. You may notice a name change in the future. Valentine. Before you snicker hear me and history. Valentine from the Latin Valentinus meaning strength, health, courage, and for those who rise. How beautiful is that? A name for those who are strong and it knows no gender like me. Laugh. If you do please leave. If I wanted a bad audience or cheap reception I could go my local pub.
I am me and I am sorry to keep it hidden.
But I'm gonna change all of that and live for me. Blessed be. Thanks for reading.